Armadillo - On the Half-Shell: May 2009

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Bad Medicine.

1. A man comes into the ER and yells,
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear..
Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs *
and I was in the wrong one!

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed my stethoscope on an
elderly
and slightly deaf female patients anterior chest wall. 'Big
breaths,' I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA .

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news
when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that
he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor,
that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked.
'The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours,
and now I'm running
out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying
a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How
long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion,
she answered*
'Why, not for about twenty years * when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast
this morning?'
'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to
get used to the taste,' the patient replied.
I then asked to see the
jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so
she was scheduled
for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and
above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once
the
surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patients
dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY*

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment,
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly
burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was,
'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Submitted by a Doctor who wouldn't give his name, for obvious
reasons!

Monday, May 18, 2009

.....and then the Fight Started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her some bathroom scales.
And then the fight started*