Thursday, June 25, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Texas Travel Guide.
1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local
restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak.
Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick
your ass.
restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak.
Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick
your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley,
Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick
your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a
coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or
whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an
ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read
some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot
nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll
kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross
Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have
small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm) . However, we are not dumb
enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US
Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass
kickin'.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If
you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll
kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so
shut up about it. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or
we'll kick your ass.
8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk
casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under
any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no
kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home -- before we
kick it.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and
that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state smell of oil. If
your livelihood depended on those wells you soon learn to love the
aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.
If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way
back to Pittsburgh, PA.
12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are
expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass -- just like they did
ours.
13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small
towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime
infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll
kick your ass.
14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your
ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may
go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.
15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the
first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio
Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep
your ass out.
16) Enjoy your visit.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Creepy Visible Human Project.
I heard about this years ago, but I was never really sure if it was real. Now I know.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
A few Leenks.
12 Funniest TV Show-Inspired Tattoos from tvmunchies.
A Ginormous Gallery of Celebrities Without Makeup from unreality magazine.
A Ginormous Gallery of Celebrities Without Makeup from unreality magazine.
Punny.
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the
Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change
yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
21 A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's
your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)