Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The Vegetarian Menace - http://www.pointsincase.com/articles/vegetarian-menace
The Vegetarian Menace
By Marcus Terry August 18, 2009
"I want to get some goddamn sausage on the fucking pizza!"
How often has this happened to you? You've got some friends over, maybe for a football game or a party that you secretly hope will turn into an orgy. Everyone's hungry and someone says, "You guys want to get a pizza?" Hell yeah. Great idea. Who doesn't love pizza?
If only it were that simple.
Studies have shown that deciding on the toppings is the most stressful part of the "pizza experience." Why someone felt it was necessary to conduct such a study is beyond me, but it has been recorded that friendships, relationships, and even marriages have been taxed to the point of breaking just from trying to order a pizza. The problem isn't that everyone wants something different—pizza tastes almost the same with most toppings so, in general, people are willing to compromise—it's that one person ruins it for everyone... the fucking vegetarian. The vegetarian won't let you get meat on the pizza.
This is just one example of how the vegetarian menace is dividing this great country of ours. They aren't necessarily bad people, they just have stupid, stupid beliefs. But a lot of folks have idiotic ideals. The problem is that vegetarians try to push their beliefs on everyone else. They don't understand that you don't get between a man and his meat. Even the great peacemaker Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, "Bitch, if you try to touch my steak again I'll cut you."
A vegetarian would I wouldn't have a problem with the veg-heads if it weren't for their pompous attitudes toward us carnivores. It's the judgmental looks and the snide comments they give when they see us devouring a full rack of ribs. They say things like, "That's disgusting. Do you know what they do the cows in those processing factories?" No, I don't know, and I don't care. Whatever they're doing is finger-licking good and I hope they keep it up.
The fact that it was a cute, innocent animal doesn't bother me. In fact, it makes me hungrier. I want as many dead animals on my plate as possible. This coming Thanksgiving my uncle and I are going to make a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey... stuffed inside an ostrich stuffed inside a pig stuffed inside a side of beef. After two bites of our Turduckenstrichoinkbeef every member of my family will be in a meat coma for a week.
Some say being vegetarian is a healthier lifestyle. Sure vegetarians may often be thinner and weigh less than meat eaters, but that's because of the osteoporosis brought on by their severe iron deficiencies. Their bones are as light and brittle as a pigeon's. If they were to sprout dirty feathers and tails they'd be able to fly like their urban avian brothers. And they'd be just as easy to swat out of the air with a tennis racquet.
Others say it's just cruel to kill animals. I say we've got to get them before they get us. There are six billion people in the world and there are over eight billion chickens. If they ever got organized, we as a species would be fucked. It would be a feathered holocaust. Everywhere you look there'd be corpses pecked to death with egg shells strewn about them.
But I admit that our war on animals has not always been for survival. It has often been for fashion. And of course vegetarians have a problem with this. Listen, hippie, fur isn't murder. A "people suit" made from the supple skin of nubile young coeds is murder (mental note: and a good idea for a new project). Fur is warm and stylish and was once a very lucrative business for many a grizzled mountain trapper.
A vegan would have you believe this pizza is ready to eat! Vegetarians just have an overly humanitarian viewpoint. While I disagree with their lifestyle, I can respect their beliefs. But there's no excuse for being vegan. Vegans are the worst. Forget about not getting meat on the pizza, you can't have the cheese because it came from an animal. You can't have the tomato sauce because animal poop was used as fertilizer. You can't have the crust because a sheep once farted in the field where the grain was grown. But you can have this blob of tasteless gray matter called tofu. It goes great with beer and nachos at your Super Bowl party.
If you don't want to eat meat, fine. But why shun all animal related products? Vegans don't eat eggs even though they're not really meat. They say that you shouldn't eat this delicious breakfast staple because "eggs are chicken embryos and you wouldn't eat a human fetus, would you?" Of course not. I also wouldn't cut off a guy's leg, deep fry it to golden perfection and chow down on it while rubbing the grease all over my chest like a Masai warrior. But I have nibbled on a few breasts in my time. ZING!!
They don't drink milk because it comes from a cow. Do you know what will happen to your precious cow if it isn't milked? Its udder explodes. And I know what you're thinking. You think the milk will explode out and rain down like a beautiful white summer shower, followed by a majestic milk rainbow that you and the cow will frolic under for all the days hereafter. Well, wake up, hippie! It isn't cool, fresh milk that comes out when the udder pops. It's a rancid, bloody, curdled puss. And when an udder blows, it blows big. So hopefully you're the one standing there in that moment when it pops like a giant pimple, you vegan asshole.
So I guess the point of this whole rant was just to say let's try to get along, people. Don't let our dietary differences drive a wedge between us. We don't have to be on opposing sides brandishing turkey legs and celery stalks at each other. All you have to do is let us get some goddamn sausage on the mother fucking pizza.
From the Family: Fwd: letter of thanks
| We, the family of Chris Staats, would like to express our heartfelt and deep appreciation to our community for all of your prayers, support, and condolences during our most difficult time of loss. Every person that we spoke to offered to do anything at all for us, and we only wish we could have accepted every single one of your offers. In the days following the news about Chris, we began to see an amazing amount of community support. Some of you gave cards, prayers, hugs, and kind words. Some tied yellow and black ribbons to poles around town, flew your flags at half mast, and even displayed flags where there had previously been none. Others simply lined the streets of the funeral procession saluting, with hands on hearts, or holding flags to show your pride and sorrow for the loss of an entire community. We are truly blessed to be a part of such an amazing town. We thank each and every one of you because your love and support truly made an unbearable loss a bit more bearable. |
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sensitivity test for men
Sensitivity test for men
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have
both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You
tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of
intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Jokey.
A transvestite, a slut, and a bad musician walk into a bar. Bartender
says, "What'll it be?" Lady Gaga says, "I'll have a beer."
says, "What'll it be?" Lady Gaga says, "I'll have a beer."
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Taxes explained with beer
Taxes are complicated*
So, tell them in terms they might understand, like beer drinking.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all
ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it
would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar
every day and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you
are all such good customers, he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost
of your daily beer by $20.
Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so
the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But
what about the other six men * the paying customers? How could they
divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted
that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man
would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner
suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly
the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should
pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four
continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men
began to compare their savings.
'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He
pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'
'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a
dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!'
'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10
back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We
didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the
tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine
sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the
bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough
money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how
our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most
benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being
wealthy, and they just may
not show up anymore.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Texas Travel Guide.
1) Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local
restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak.
Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick
your ass.
restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak.
Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick
your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley,
Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick
your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a
coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or
whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an
ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read
some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot
nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll
kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross
Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have
small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm) . However, we are not dumb
enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US
Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass
kickin'.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If
you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll
kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so
shut up about it. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or
we'll kick your ass.
8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk
casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under
any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no
kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home -- before we
kick it.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and
that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state smell of oil. If
your livelihood depended on those wells you soon learn to love the
aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.
If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way
back to Pittsburgh, PA.
12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are
expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass -- just like they did
ours.
13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small
towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime
infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll
kick your ass.
14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your
ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may
go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.
15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the
first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio
Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep
your ass out.
16) Enjoy your visit.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Creepy Visible Human Project.
I heard about this years ago, but I was never really sure if it was real. Now I know.
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