restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak.
Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick
your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley,
Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick
your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a
coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or
whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an
ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read
some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot
nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll
kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross
Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have
small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm) . However, we are not dumb
enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US
Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass
kickin'.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up
the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If
you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll
kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so
shut up about it. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or
we'll kick your ass.
8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk
casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under
any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no
kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home -- before we
kick it.
10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and
that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state smell of oil. If
your livelihood depended on those wells you soon learn to love the
aroma. Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently.
If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way
back to Pittsburgh, PA.
12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are
expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little
gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass -- just like they did
ours.
13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small
towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime
infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll
kick your ass.
14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your
ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may
go home in a pine box -- minus your ass.
15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the
first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio
Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep
your ass out.
16) Enjoy your visit.
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